Tired!

I sorted through the notes on my table and isolated those related to research. I reinforced the punch holes with clear plastic ring stickers - a task which usually isn't exhausting - but I found that I had a lot of sheets to reinforce! It's been a long journey. Left with the A3 technical drawings which I don't know how I should secure onto my A4 ring binder. Will figure a way.

I heard the phrase "morale booster" quite a few times today. People were taking a mock test as a "morale booster" for the coming examinations. I don't understand their lingo, though. Maybe because they are busy studying for examinations, while I wish I had the time to study for my examinations (I have 2 more tests than any of them, and they begin earlier than any of theirs; and my final examinations end later than anyone because I have the UCLES Physics paper.) But I'm not proceeding blindly - rather than that, I don't believe in "morale boosters". Let me use an anecdote, adapted from a text message that I sent to a friend.

We're all fortified on a common ground. We're all capable of doing the same things. It's the directions we choose to take that make the difference. If you have a direction, you won't ever look back, and won't ever need morale inbetween.

Remember how I travelled to the end of the country on bicycle? I did it exactly on the day when one of my term tests ended. I didn't ask for directions a single time on the trip. I didn't bring a compass, nor did I have, or refer to, a map. Deliberately. I didn't need any such "morale boosters" inbetween. I didn't need any directions, because I already had one.

At some points on the long expressways, it was at times dark; and at other times, I heard the rumble of heavy vehicles speeding past frequently, and I watched them disappear into the horizon just as quickly. I've never seen a horizon of empty road elsewhere in this country. It was very foreign to me, and I was very afraid. I really felt like turning back, but I had a very long distance to cycle in either direction. I wondered if I had to return through the same distance on the return journey. I repeatedly threw my glance over my shoulder, to make sure that the approaching container truck wasn't going to plow into my lane.

The world felt surreal. Around me was vast darkness of reclaimed land, and midnight sky. The trucks and long vehicles that past by felt like they were merely animated by some mechanical force, not by people. I didn't see a single human face for 2 hours of cycling, because they were driving by too quickly. A sedan passing by would have given me an ease of tension - quelled my fear of unfamiliarity and difference in size - but no, the only vehicles that drove by were very large. I was at a place where only large industrial vehicles passed by; and they sped.

I felt like turning back, really. I lacked morale. But it was okay to lack morale inbetween...

At the end of the journey, when I made it to the checkpoint, my friend asked me, "So, what did you want to do here?"

"Ahaha, too bad they fenced it all up, but I actually wanted to shout the name of the person I like across the straits (into Malaysia)."

It was okay to lack morale inbetween, because I had motivation right from the start. Because I had a motivating reason from the start. I did wonder if I would ever come so far in my present project. There were many objections from people of authority: researchers, tutors, scientific advisors for government agencies etc. I would be lying if I claimed that I never lost morale. But I never lost my motivating reason, either. There's a difference.

I can understand why you could lose morale - because you began with the mindset that you were doing something really boring, like improving your grades - the real-life equivalent of 'grinding' in RPGs. But I never felt that way about what I'm studying, what I'm researching. And I know that so long as I held on to my motivating reasons, I would eventually complete my project. I know that so long as I held on to my motivating reasons, I would be in time to finish preparation for my final examinations with less time than anyone else.

(That said, I did have some better reasons for making the journey - I wasn't able to cover such a long distance overnight ever since my last surgery. But I like maintaining a outwardly carefree attitude towards things, if you talk to me in person.)